Hanuel
My lungs were burning and my body was aching. There was no escape. I felt trapped.
There was water surrounding me everywhere but my eyes were fixed on Hoseok’s eyes. His beautiful but broken eyes that showed horror.
He looked scared, terrified even – broken. I could hear him yelling my name as he fought against the cage, trying to get to me. His voice was distorted but I could still tell he was crying out my name.
My vision was starting to blur and darken, black spots jumping in front of my eyes. My lungs felt as if they were about to burst as water rushed in. I wanted to last a little longer. I wanted to tell Hoseok I loved him. I did not want to leave him.
I could feel my limbs losing control as my body began to *. Each * felt like a punch in the gut. It hurt, worse than any other pain.
I could feel my heart being squeezed by the pressure before it started to slow down...until it did not beat anymore…until darkness seemed to consume.
I woke up with a jolt, breathing heavily. ‘Hey, hey you’re okay,’ I heard a familiar voice say as I felt arms around my waist.
I turned around to see Hoseok there and I breathed a sigh of relief. I hugged him and I felt him hugging me back tightly. ‘You’re okay,’ I whispered against his ear just as I heard him scoff.
‘I’m the one who should be asking about you,’ he responded as he rubbed my back. ‘Did you have a nightmare?’ he asked and I nodded.
‘Yeah. I was dreaming I was back in that tank,’ I said. I felt him tense up at the mention of it. My hand went back to my chest, almost as if I could feel the burning all over again.
‘Hanuel,’ he said as he let go of the hug. He stood up, got off the bed and kneeled in front of me, his hands on my thighs. ‘How are you feeling? Are you in pain anywhere? Is your chest hurting? Do you need me to go get Jin to check you?’ he asked, one question after the other, but I shook my head.
‘No, no I’m fine. Besides, it’s the middle of the night but I’m okay, don’t worry,’ I said, trying to reach for his hand.
‘I don’t think I can ever not worry about you,’ he said before he pulled his hand away from mine, surprising me a bit. He stood up and took a step back as his facial features began to change. I could tell there were a lot of thoughts running through his head. Not just thoughts, but emotions too.
‘Hoseok, what are you thinking? Talk to me. Please don’t shut me out,’ I said gently as I also stood up.
‘What? Like you did huh?’ he asked, yelling a little. There was anger in his voice but there was also pain. ‘You left Hanuel. You disappeared and you only left a stupid *ing letter behind you. Do you know how worried I was when I couldn’t find you anywhere?’ he shouted, making me flinch slightly.
I knew he would be angry at me and I knew that if I did see him again, I would have to face this part, even if I dreaded it. Somehow, for some reason, him shouting at me made me feel – scared, hurt. I did not want to lose him because of this.
‘Are you going to keep silent huh? Aren’t you going to explain yourself hmm?’ he asked as he took a step forward.
‘I already explained myself Hoseok. I did it to keep you and our family safe,’ I said.
‘Our family?’ he asked as he laughed to himself as he threw his hands in the air. ‘You’re part of our family too Hanuel. Bangtan isn’t Bangtan without you!’ he screamed, making me gulp. ‘You’re important to Bangtan. You’re important to me!’ he shouted.
‘Hoseok,’ I whispered as I went to take a step forward, testing the waters. ‘I…I had no other choice. At least that’s what it felt like,’ I said.
‘You had other choices. We could have faced it together, like we promised we would,’ he said as his eyes became teary but the tears refused to fall.
‘I did not want to risk what happened to Lux to happen to you, to any of you. If…if she had hurt you in any way,’ I said as I felt myself gasp for air. ‘I… I would have gone crazy,’ I said.
‘And you think I didn’t feel like going crazy when I saw you drowning like that?’ he screamed as he took more steps to come closer to me. ‘Do you know how I felt when I saw you walking into that tank? When I saw your body begin to * and give up? When I saw you on the ground, not breathing?’ he asked as he grabbed me by the shoulders. ‘DO YOU?’ he asked as he shook me violently, his voice ringing loudly.
‘Hoseok,’ I said as I went to reach for his face but he shook his head and pulled away, gently pushing me away from him. ‘Hoseok!’ I called again as he looked away. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that but I won’t ask you to forgive me because in truth, I would do it all over again if it means keeping you safe!’ I said, yelling a little myself.
He looked at me, his face full of emotion I never saw before. ‘W—why?’ he asked, that one word coming out broken. He was hurting… a lot.
‘Because you mean too much to me,’ I said as I dared to go closer to him. He nodded as he sniffed and came closer.
‘I was so scared Hanuel...so damn scared. I thought I was going to lose you,’ he said, his voice cracking at each word, as if he was trying to stop himself from crying.
‘I know Hoseok but what was I supposed to do? I couldn't let her kill you...if anyone was going to die then it had to be me,’ I replied. I saw his face change again as he grabbed my hands, tightly in his.
‘Don't you dare! Don't you dare say that. Why should it have to be you and not me huh? You said I mean a lot to you but you mean a lot to me too. I don't know how many times I have to tell you how much you're worth but I don't care because I'll tell you as many times as it takes for you to believe me! If you had...if you had died –’ he began but he stopped mid-sentence, sniffling a bit.
He seemed to gasp for air as he let go of my hands and turned his back to me. As much as he denied it, he wanted, no, he needed to cry, but he wouldn't let himself. I took a step closer as I wrapped my arms around him. I rested my head against his back.
‘It's okay to be vulnerable, Hobi,’ I whispered. I didn't turn him around; if he didn't want to be seen, I wouldn't look at him.
‘I just...I can't lose you too Hanuel...I…you just mean too much to me,’ he whimpered, as he let himself cry. His hands were gripping mine tightly as he cried. I hugged him tighter, enclosing the space between us. ‘I’d be lost without you,’ he said.
‘It’s okay Hobi. I’m here now. I’m safe, in your arms,’ I said, trying to comfort him as he did for me once before. He took a deep breath and turned around, allowing me to see him. He seemed to study me, almost as if he was carving my image into his brain.
‘You—you’re safe now,’ he repeated as he nodded to himself. He was gently touching my face, almost as if to make sure I was real.
His face was completely wet from the tears and his eyes were red and puffy, but he still tried to smile. I reached for his face to wipe his tears away but his lips trembled and his smile faltered as more tears fell from his eyes. He looked down in embarrassment but I didn't let him.
‘Don't,’ I muttered softly. ‘Don’t look away from me,’ I said. I lifted his face and kissed his cheeks, one by one. I licked my lips and ran my thumb over his lips before I crashed mine against his. It wasn't lustful, but rather impatient and full of love. Love…a word I never imagined I’d use, yet, I knew it in my heart, deep down, that I loved him.
We kissed like we had never kissed before. It was different in a way that I could not explain. All I knew was that there were dragons inside my stomach and what people described as sparks felt like explosives.
We pulled away together, but he didn't even leave a second's time in between before he pulled me in again so that there is no space between us. Before I even realize it, I have tears rolling down my cheeks as well, stupidly enough. Gosh, why am I crying?
‘Hanuel, why are you crying?’ he asked softly as he wiped my tears away. I laughed as I shrugged.
‘I don’t know,’ I admitted and he nodded as he kept staring at me. ‘Hoseok I…’ I began but he shook his head.
‘Before you say anything, hear me out,’ he said and I nodded. He hugged me closer, burying his face into my neck. ‘Hanuel...I,’ he began, ‘I was a coward for not admitting this before and I'm a coward now for not being able to look into your eyes when I tell you this...but if I don't say it now, I'll be the biggest * to ever exist,’ he began and I gasped, having the slightest hint about what's coming.
I felt frozen in his arms. He was not letting me see his face, even though that was the thing I wanted to do the most. ‘Hoseok, let me see you,’ I whispered but he shook his head.
‘I...I love you so much...so damn much and I don't even know when it happened! Maybe it was when we were both acting like *s or when we accidentally slept together or when we decided to be friends with benefits. I don’t know but all I know for sure is that I love you,’ he admitted.
I felt myself explode on the inside. He loved me. He loved me! I tried to pull away from him to respond but he didn't let me. Instead, he held me tighter, almost if he didn’t want to let go of me.
‘Wait, hold on, I don't think I can look at you yet,’ he chuckled a bit, trying to ease the tension. I tried to pull away again, this time stronger, and I succeed, finally able to look at him in the eyes again.
‘Why are you crying?’ he asked again, his voice gentle, but I shook my head. He looked worried, scared. He tried to wipe my tears too but I didn't let him.
‘It's because I'm in love with you, Jung Hoseok,’ I said as tears fell down like a river. ‘But Hoseok, you cannot love me. You cannot,’ I said.
‘Why not?’ he cried out as he cupped my face, which only made me cry more.
‘You know who I am, what I am. I am a Scarlet. There are things about me you don’t know. Secrets that I have kept and things that are buried deep,’ I said but he shook his head.
‘I don’t care about that,’ he said as he held me tighter. ‘You could have killed the Pope or the Queen and I still would not care. I love you – every part of you, even the parts of you that you hate. I don’t care about your secrets or whatever it is, I love you Hanuel and nothing will change that. Let me love you,’ he said.
I nodded and he smiled as he crashed his lips against mine as well. I kissed just as passionately, letting myself get lost in him. I felt elated in a way I had never felt before. Is this what it meant to love and be loved?
We both pulled away for air as we stared at each other, both of us breathing heavily. I touched his face as he smiled.
‘I get to call you my girlfriend now hm?’ he asked and I nodded but I could feel my smile falter as my mind thought about one thing. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked as he put a piece of my hair behind my ear.
‘There is something I need to do Hoseok,’ I said. He stiffened and I knew he realized what I meant. ‘If we’re ever going to be happy and safe, I have to make sure there is no threat to you, to me, to Bangtan,’ I said.
‘It’s too risky Hanuel. You said so yourself, she is the best fighter among the Scarlets. What if she ki—,’ he paused unable to say the actual word. ‘I can’t lose you Hanuel,’ he said.
I cupped his face and brought it closer to mine. ‘You won’t. Not this time. This time I have something to fight for – I have you to fight for, I have my family to fight for and I have our future to fight for. I won’t lose,’ I said.
‘I want to be there. I need to be there,’ he said. I sighed and nodded, knowing I won’t get him to accept any other way. ‘And first, you get rest. I don’t care if we have to pretend you’re dead…’ he said.
‘That might not work,’ I said as he raised an eyebrow. ‘Jennie was not the only one who betrayed us. Daniel, he was in on it too,’ I said.
‘What?’ he asked and I nodded. ‘I thought Jennie was just roping him in, putting the blame on him but don’t worry jagiya, he’ll be punished for wanting to hurt you,’ he said but I shook my head.
‘He can be exiled from Bangtan. That would be enough but we have to be smart. Don’t worry, I will rest and gain my energy before going after Vindictae,’ I said.
‘Good but for now, let’s cuddle,’ he said with a smile which made me laugh.
‘Let’s cuddle,’ I said as I let him lead me to the bed. We got in and I felt his arms wrap around me. I felt his warmth encapsulate me as he began to kiss at my neck.
‘I love you Hanuel,’ he murmured into my skin. I turned around so I could face him, our nose slightly touching.
‘And I love you,’ I said.